Book Cover "Our Father Who is Not in Heaven". Copyright 2005 Edward Faraday. All text and images on this blog by Edward Faraday and all Father Box Stories copyright the author and can not be reproduced in any form without written permission of the author.

PURPOSE AND MISSION OF THIS BLOG

Hello World

When I grew up in the 1960's and 1970's I thought my brothers and sisters and I were the only kids who had fathers who ran away and disappeared. We never talked about it as a family. In retrospect I realized I grew up feeling ashamed and embarrassed for who I was. A boy whose father ran away. Abandoned him. Somehow as a kid that feeling of being abandoned sinks in and you just feel lost in the universe. It never really goes away entirely. In the back of your mind you always think that God singled you out and said to your father: "Get rid of the kid. You're better off alone."

Back then as a society we did not talk about things much. Everything was supposed to be white picket fences and happy families. When anyone did have the courage to look under the surface most of us were taught to look the other way. Skate on the surface of civility and smile. Keep your chin up. Don't complain.

Maybe now for all the talking we do, things have not really changed. Sometimes when I look at the news today I don't know. There's still an awful lack of father figures out there. And even the ones that are looked up to often end up having some kind of scandal. And looking up to fathers or anyone for that matter, seems to take a back seat to paying the bills and surviving, or amassing more and more material wealth and that ever elusive fame and fortune we are told is the real goal of the American dream.

Despite all the lack of progress on the world spiritual level at least we can talk about things that were in the closet before. We need to keep getting those skeletons out of the closet. At some point, yes, in life, we do need to close the proverbial closet door and just hang our clothes in it. But to do that sometimes you need to do a full house cleaning.

This blog and my web site is about that kind of mental house cleaning. My house cleaning began about five years ago when I started a book that was originally going to be a book of interviews with people whose fathers ran away. The concept of the book turned into a novel when I found out during an interview with my sister that not only was my father still alive but she knew where he was and had spoken with him on the phone. The only way to finish the project was to look at it as fiction. I guess pretending it was all made up made it easier to not be the stupid kid left waiting for his old man to come home.

PLEASE GO TO http://www.ourfatherwhoisnotinheaven.com/ to see more about my E book.

Then PLEASE subscribe to the E book. The E book will be my final re-write.And for those of you who have a missing father - if your father was ever missing or partially missing (or you wished he was missing which I have found is often the case) then please do send me your stories for a theater and video production I want to do about missing fathers.

For a full description for what I am looking for and terms of submission (At least submission in terms of this project. Other submission issues I can not discuss at the moment due to the need to keep your focus on this project.) please go to http://www.ourfatherwhoisnotinheaven.com/and when you are on the web site go to the SEND STORIES button.

I am posting on this blog stories sent in. I WILL CALL THESE POSTINGS FATHER BOX. I call it the Father Box because in many ways we always seem to be trying to break out of the box our fathers put us in just as our fathers tried to get out of the box they were put in by our grandfathers and them from their fathers and their forefathers before that and so on an so forth.Those of you who want to email me comments for the blog please email me at: EdwardFaraday@aol.com.

New York Times Article: The Fathers Crusade May 8, 2005

It seems my email comments/posts today to the New York Times article "The Fathers Crusade" caused some strong and hearfelt reactions from disgruntled Fathers out there. The article was about the "Fathers Rights" movement and talked about how unfairly Fathers are treated in divorce situations by the courts and the family justice system.

Here's the artcile link to the New York Times article and a synopsis:

http://www.nytimes.com/pages/magazine/index.html

By SUSAN DOMINUSDivorced men are banding together to change custody law — lobbying legislators, pushing ballot initiatives and even staging public protests in the name of fathers' rights. Is what's best for Dad really best for the child? And what about what's fair? Go to Article

One of the other readers responded to one of my posts as follows:


manfmnantucket - 2:29 PM ET May 8, 2005 re edfaraday
As someone once said, Ed, "I feel your pain". But your pain at the absence of a father only underscores the reason this is important. Most of us are automatically portrayed by the court system as being like your dad. In fact, our kids are encouraged to believe that the majority of us are just like your dad. But it's NOT true that for every good dad there is a bad one! The vast majority I have met are GOOD!! But the media and the courts do combine to portray the opposite picture. Please consider this: there are many deadbeat moms too. But if the financial burden is 90% placed on dads, of course 90% of deadbeats would be dads, ceterus paribus. If the courts treated moms the way they treat dads, forcing us to pay our declared enemies to raise our own children - the majority of deadbeats would be moms. And you'd see a rash of "deadbeat moms" articles on Mothers' Day just like you see a rash of "deadbeat dads" articles spewed by the media for Fathers' Day. Happy Fathers' Day! The courts force dads into an unfair choice, even if they didn't want a divorce: become strangers and pay for it - or fight and lose everything. And if you think that scarring a father this way is in the best interests of any child, think again. Mark

Here is a link to comments posted about this article, including my posted comments and responses back and forth.

http://forums.nytimes.com/top/opinion/readersopinions/forums/health/parenting/index.html?offset=1871&page=previous

Not sure what to think about all this negative reaction from Fathers at the moment. I certainly don't think that men should be denied rights and pushed away from their kids.

On the other hand I certainly do not think I am "scarring fathers" by talking about the subject from my point of view and expressing the point of view of other "children" who were abandoned by their fathers.

There's always two sides to the story and the best approach is to listen and learn. If there are any Fathers out there who want to write to me here - no one is stopping you.


OKAY - TO BE FAIR: I just looked at the New York Times forum and saw another response from manfmnantucket. He did not mean to say my web site and blog scarred fathers:

manfmnantucket - 9:34 PM ET May 8, 2005

ed, ed, ed....
Sorry edfaraday, I didn't mean to imply that YOUR site "scarred" fathers! No, it's the justice system I was talking about! In fact I'm first-hand familiar with the pain of absent father too... But the way the law is practiced creates a syndrome where fathers are faced with unfair choices, with only ugly painful options as answers. If the tables were turned and it was mothers (or rather, the non-financial parents) who were treated this way, many more of them would be opting for escaping pain above all else too. The term "scarred population" is a technical one used in the MA legal justification for gay marriage. I was pointing out that parents who take the traditionally male role are a much larger scarred population,deprived of their rights due to discrimination and sterotyping by the courts. In other words I think that if Margaret Marshall is right, then the same logic that justifies gay marriage requires equal rights for divorcing parents. What I took issue with was the phrasing "for every good dad there's a bad one" - which implies that half are bad. I'm sure you didn't intend it literally, and that in your experience it might be a valid claim, but in my experience it's a tiny minority who are actually that bad. Thanks for your clarification.... Peace

OKAY - It's ME, EDWARD AGAIN:

I need to clarify again that I in no way mean to defend a system that could deny fathers rights. But I still feel that there are many fathers out there who don't take care of their children like they should and do not take the responsibility for their actions. All you fathers out there who are having difficulties with the courts and the ex's and getting the shaft - please understand that
just because you are doing the right thing - it does not mean there are not a hell of a lot of men out there who aren't. And to all you disgruntled fathers out there: just because I am doing a story about other fathers actions (or lack thereof) does not mean I am stereotyping and talking about you. If and when any of you you read my book you will see clearly that I don't let the mothers off the hook entirely either.

FATHER BOX - READ FATHER STORY SENT IN BY VISITOR

Daddy Gave me The Keys But Told Me Not To Open the Door

Excerpts of Father Story Sent in By 65 Year Old American Woman

As I sat in the doctor’s office last week, I observed a young couple with their 2 year old child. Mother was filling out a form and dad was in charge of the girl. The child continually tried to go to the the front door of the office and play with the door knob. Dad followed and threatened to spank or embarrass her if she didn't stop doing that. Where was the knowledge to distract her by swooping her up in his arms and tickle her, or to keep her creative mind active by reading her a story? To the child it was obvious what to do - to go to the front door and look for the door knob because the father had given her a set of keys to play with. In her mind it was obviously the right thing to do. Keys. Door. Door. Keys. Her mind was working, But after her father handed her the keys he would threaten her when she got near the door. Already she was learning the world is not safe and that it doesn't make sense.

My father would come home after work and be greeted by my mother who stood with arm outstretched pointing toward the “criminal of the day”. He would seek out one of my 2 sisters or me while removing his belt and beat us without any warning or discussion. On other days, he would have dinner with us while he read the newspaper and would then fall asleep in front of the TV. I grew up learning the world wasn't safe and didn't make sense.

My father taught me how to use a sewing machine and how to make my own clothes. I grew up understanding the value of work and the struggles to stay employed and remain responsible within the unstable world of the garment industry. I grew up with a strong respect for labor unions.

In my fathers later years he was usually the one to call. I could go for months and never call. Never thought about it. Would get updates from my sisters so it never occurred to call. He would ask how I was and I always said "busy". I'd elaborate a little but not on an emotional level and with limited words since he couldn't possibly understand what I was doing. He was limited intellectually and in experience and would have no knowledge of the things I did. I didn't have family stuff to talk about the way my sisters did so I babbled about work, which he didn't grasp And maybe if I went on a vacation I would tell him something. But he didn't get me and I always turned the conversation around to something I could relate to him on. His hobbies, his health etc.

I was a teacher which he understood but never understood when I went into dance therapy or what that was. Or any kind of therapy. So he translated things to "I taught dance." It's a hard enough concept to explain to the enlightened. But he used to forget I was a therapist and thought I was still teaching in the school system so I used to exaggerate and say he thought I was a check out girl at a supermarket.

My father died around 5 years ago in an auto accident. I hadn't seen him for years before that. He was dealing with a crazy wife for a few years and my main interactions with him via the phone were about how to deal with her and protect himself physically and financially...and how to deal with her issues once he had reconciled to stay with her. He was physically laboring and dealing with the witch was taking its toll. All my feelings at that time were about him. He was too old to be alone and made a pact with the devil to stay with her because there was no other choice. I felt sorry for him that he had to have such misery in his late years. I was dealing with a person here, not my father. The issues around aging came into play and I could only guide him and make suggestions as I was a person who has dealt with mental illness and the systems of the society. I felt for him as I did for my mother. That I wished they could have had the awareness and ability to make their lives better, been smarter and better off financially.

I went to his funeral with some relief (and selfish annoyance that he had to die in Florida in July when the temp was 200 degrees!) I had nothing to say at the service.

At some point in our lives we have to become our own good parents, and heal the wounds, right the wrongs, write new stories, let go of the anger and forgive what is often lack of consciousness and knowledge and ghosts from our own parents’ broken lives.

At some point, we have to acknowledge they did the best they could with what they had. Taking the responsibility away from them, developing and growing in our own image can free us and create new life. If not, we stay locked in the closets of our minds, but this time, have no one to blame.